Turning the Pages
by BMShipper
Summary: Jacob's feelings after what happened to Paul, plays after 1x09 and is some kind of continuation for the last scene of this episode... it's basically how Jacob feels towards Emma now and how much this incident has changed him...


**A/N: **First Time in the "The Following" Fandom... :D I intended to write this One-Shot ever since I've seen 1x09... I'm still not very confident if it's the "right thing" to post it and if it's any good, but a friend of mine helped me a WHOLE LOT with it (Thank you SO much, dear) and she encouraged me to post it, so here it is...

English isn't my first language - as some of you probably know - but I'm really trying and I couldn't have imagined to write the story in - for example - german :-) I hope you like it... Comments would be nice if you do, and even if you don't... critism helps me to get better! :)

**Turning the pages**

"Jacob, please wait. Let's just talk," Emma shouted after him, but the moment Jacob had seen her come his way he turned away and made his way into his room."

Fortunately, he was in there before she could reach him, and he shut and locked the door.

Ever since he had arrived at Joe's house he had ignored her and shrugged off every single one of her attempts to talk to him. He couldn't face her anymore, couldn't face the one person that was responsible for Paul not making it here to the house alive. He didn't know what he would do to her if he did. Killing her had crossed his mind a couple of times, because every time he looked at her he got reminded of his loss. He didn't want to hear any of her excuses, because there wasn't one that would justify her cutting him and Paul loose.

Paul was dead because of her.

If they had arrived here in time he could have gotten the help he needed. At least that was what Joe had told him, and there was no reason not to believe him.

There were many reasons not to believe Emma, though.

Jacob remembered every single one of his desperate phone calls, begging her to call him back, and he would never forgive her for ignoring every last one of them.

If it hadn't been for Roderick he had no idea where he would be right now. If Roderick hadn't replied to his e-mail, telling him that he would come and get him, get them, he probably would have just given up and let the police find him. He had been desperate enough to stop fighting. Especially with the knowledge that Paul wouldn't last much longer no matter what he did.

He had tried so hard to save him, but it had all been for nothing, and the only thing he could do for Paul was to put him out of his misery, out of the pain he had been in.

A knock at the door pulled Jacob out of his thoughts and only then did he notice that he was standing in the middle of his bedroom. That he hadn't moved an inch ever since he got in there.

"What?" he spat out, running a hand through his hair.

He didn't want to see anyone right now, needed some alone time to think.

Being with Joey had lightened his mood quite a bit, but colliding with Emma had brought back all the pain full-force.

"Are you okay in there, buddy?" Roderick's voice came from the hallway and Jacob let out a breath he wasn't aware he had been holding.

Thank god it wasn't Emma trying once more to make him talk.

Considering for a moment to just keep silence and say later that he must have been asleep, Jacob finally turned around and unlocked the door.

"Is something wrong?"

Tilting his head, Roderick looked at him.

"Shouldn't I be the one asking _you_ that?"

Jacob forced himself to smile.

"I'm okay. No problem. It's not like Paul and I were a couple or something like that."

Even though all he actually wanted to do was cry, he wouldn't let down his defenses. He had promised Paul's dead body that he would stay strong, and he planned on keeping that promise.

"Okay…" Roderick replied, burying his hands in his pants pockets.

"You know I would have gotten you earlier if I had known where you two were, right?"

Nodding, Jacob looked at him.

"I know."

"Good. I just want to avoid any misunderstandings," Roderick assured him.

"No misunderstandings," Jacob confirmed, watching Roderick turn around and walk down the hallway, leaving him alone again.

Jacob closed the door again and leaned against it, taking a few deep breathes. He had no idea how long he was able to maintain this façade, but he wanted to at least try his best not to show his true feelings. Because it made him weak.

Crossing the room he sank down on the bed and grabbed the dark grey jacket laying in the middle of it.

He pressed his face into the fabric, inhaling the scent that was still lingering onto it, Paul's scent. It made him feel like Paul was still with him, even though he wasn't. Not really.

His body was buried outside the house under a big oak tree, though.

Jacob couldn't just leave him in the summer residence of his parents, couldn't leave them cleaning up the mess he had made. Besides, he wanted Paul to be close to him so he could visit him whenever he wanted to. Literally speaking.

Feeling the tears burn in his eyes, Jacob fought back a sob that was threatening to leave his throat.

Holding Paul's jacket like that, smelling his scent made him almost feel close to him again. As if he was still there with him.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Jacob imagined Paul holding him close, just like he had done so many times, and for a moment there he could really feel it. Feel him.

"_Shhht… I got you…"_

That was what Paul would have said. What he _had_ said whenever Jacob had needed to hear it. Paul had always known what he needed and when he needed it. He had understood Jacob without words, as if they had some kind of invisible connection.

Jacob had tried to resist it, he had tried really hard, but he had failed.

Pushing Paul away hadn't made Paul give up on him, even though he probably should have. Paul had always found a way back into his heart. He had tore down all the walls Jacob had built around him over the years, and he was the only one Jacob had ever really been able to be himself around.

He should have told Paul that he had loved him just as much as Paul had loved him. That the feelings had always been mutual, but he was terrified that if he did the pain would kill him. If he didn't say it out loud, it wasn't real, right?

_Wrong._

Not saying it didn't make the feelings just disappear. They had always been there ever since that moment on the couch of their living room.

What had started with fooling around and tickling each other had become much more serious the second Paul had kissed him. They could have left it at that, could have declared it as a mistake, but they didn't. Instead, Jacob had kissed him back and with crossing that line Jacob had known that there was no way back.

It had scared the shit out of him, especially when he had realized that their kissing and touching had affected Paul. He had pulled back, had alienated Paul by pushing him away all of a sudden and then he had just ran away, trying to wrap his mind around the fact that he had not just kissed a guy, but that he had actually liked it. That it had turned him on to feel Paul's hands on his body and that he wanted more of it, much more.

Paul had never held this incident against Jacob, quite the opposite. Instead, he had welcomed Jacob with open arms when Jacob had approached him in the shower about two hours later. And he hadn't pressured Jacob to do anything he didn't want to do. They had made out in the shower, making each other come and then they had gone to bed and Paul had held him in his arms the entire night, just being there. They hadn't spoken a single word that night and still, Jacob had never before felt closer to anyone in his entire life.

"I wish you would be here with me right now…" Jacob whispered with tears in his eyes, taking a deep breath to calm himself down, but it didn't quite work.

It was like Paul had left a hole in his heart and he had no idea if he was ever able to fill it again.

"I am here," a voice sounded from behind him, making Jacob twitch.

Turning around knee-jerky, Jacob looked into Paul's deep brown eyes that held a loving gaze.

"You're dead," he stated, way too afraid to touch him, because he didn't want him to disappear again. "You can't be here."

"I will always be with you, Jacob, no matter where you are. I promised you that, remember?" Paul asked, flooding Jacob's mind with images of the first time they had slept with each other.

"_I don't wanna loose you," Jacob whispered into Paul's ear when they were laying in each other's arms, feeling Paul caress the back of his neck._

"_What makes you think you would?" Paul asked, lifting his head enough so he could look at Jacob._

"_This… this whole fairytale will be over soon. You know that," Jacob replied, feeling vulnerable and fragile all of a sudden. And he hated it._

"_I'm not going anywhere, Jacob. I will always be with you, no matter what happens," Paul smiled, pulling him close and pressing a soft kiss onto his forehead._

"_Promise?" Jacob couldn't help the relief washing over him._

"_Promise."_

"I remember," Jacob replied, sliding closer to Paul who was just looking at him.

"I wish I could turn back time and do things differently. I would never let that fucking cop stab you again."

"You couldn't have done anything, and at least you didn't run away like some coward. If it wasn't for you they would have caught me and I would be in jail now," Paul said.

"But you would at least be alive," Jacob gave back, feeling another well of tears in his eyes.

"We would never have seen each other again," Paul objected. "I'm okay with everything that happened. At least you were with me the whole time. I was your first."

Jacob couldn't help the small smile that crossed his lips.

"In more ways than one."

Jacob thought back to the moment he had decided to visit Joe in prison. It hadn't been some spontaneous idea he had just happened to act on. In fact, he had been on this website where people who admired Joe could meet for a couple of months before he took the final step. He had always wanted to be a part of something and Joe seemed to be able to fulfil this need inside of him. He hadn't been part of his own family. He wasn't even sure his parents really loved him. Not the way he always wanted them to love him. They had never been there for him when he was a kid. He had practically been raised by strangers, nannies, Au-pair girls whatsoever. His parents had thought they could buy his love with money, but they had been wrong.

When Joe had introduced him to Emma and Paul it had been the first time in his life Jacob had felt like he belonged somewhere, and even though he hadn't been sure if he was capable of really going through with it – especially with the whole playing gay thing – he had at least wanted to try. He didn't want to disappoint either, Emma nor Paul and most definitely not Joe. Of course there had been times Jacob had doubted his decision to join Joe's cult had been the right one but one smile of Emma or one gentle touch of Paul's had been enough to convince him otherwise. They had been good for him, in completely different ways, and even though he had loved Emma, Paul had been the one to catch him when he fell. Paul had been the one he had let his guard down with. Paul had been the one who knew everything about him and took him the way he was. He wasn't sure Emma would have done the same.

There had been times their whole gay-couple-façade had felt so real, that Jacob had almost wished he could live like this forever, but reality had caught up with them way too soon, and then he had been reunited with Emma, not being able to deal with all those conflicted feelings inside of him.

Part of Jacob had always loved Emma, even during this whole time of him living with Paul. And he had blindly trusted her.

He should have listened to Paul when he had told him that Emma was bad news. That she was playing some kind of sick game, but he had thought it had just been Paul's jealousy talking. He should have known better, but he had been so torn between his love for Emma and his feelings for Paul that he had always wanted to do them both justice. Being in the middle of those two courting for his attention had put a toll on him, but in the end he had to realize that Paul had been right all along.

Emma might have loved him in some kind of sick, twisted way, but the moment she had gotten the chance, she had dumped them both to be with Joe.

Jacob wasn't stupid, he had always known that Emma had a thing for Joe; he just hadn't expected it to go that far. He hadn't expected for Emma to live that obsession at the expenses of him and Paul.

How wrong he had been.

He knew better now, though, and he would make her pay for what she did to them. To Paul. One way or another.

Another knock pulled Jacob out of his thoughts and instinctively, he turned towards the door.

"What is it?"

"Dinner's ready, if you're hungry. I just wanted to let you know," a female voice said. Jacob didn't recognize the voice, but he hadn't met everyone living here just yet, so that wasn't very surprising.

"I'll be down in a minute," he shouted, turning back to where Paul had been laying just seconds ago, but he was gone.

Shaking his head, Jacob sat up and wiped his eyes.

He was obviously going crazy, seeing dead people and even talking to him, but feeling Paul's presence like that made him feel a lot less alone, and probably it was just like Paul had said. He would never completely leave him as long as Jacob kept him in his heart.

Getting off the bed, Jacob made his way to the door and left the room just in time to run into Emma.

_Again._

It was like he couldn't escape her here, but he would at least make an attempt.

Pushing his way past her, he was already a few feet away when she caught up with him, grabbing his arm.

"Jacob, wait!"

Jerkily, Jacob turned around, his hand finding Emma's throat and pushing her against the wall.

"Don't you dare touch me."

She obviously hadn't expected him to react that way, and seemed surprised for a moment, if the struggling and trying to get his hands off her neck was any indication. But then a cocky grin appeared on her lips.

"Come on, kill me," she said and she looked very confident saying it. "But I know you; you don't have the balls to do so."

When Jacob put more pressure on her neck, making it harder for her to breathe, the smile died on her lips and she just looked up at him.

"You're too much of a coward to kill anyone, to kill me."

Her voice had become restrained, raspy even and Jacob knew it was because he was really starting to choke her. Jacob could tell she started to get a little nervous even though she tried not to show it and he enjoyed every little second of it.

It was as if with killing Paul something had awoken within him, a side he hadn't even been aware he held inside of him. It should scare him, but it didn't. Instead it made him feel powerful.

He could kill her right there, right now, but he wouldn't. That would be way too quick and she wouldn't get away that easy.

"Stop it, Jacob. That's not you," Emma coughed, causing Jacob to let out a laugh.

"No? Then what is, Emma? You think you know me? Well, Emma, think again!" Jacob blurted out when he finally let go of her, staring at her coldly. "The Jacob you knew is gone. He died the moment Paul took his last breath."

Taking a few steps away from her he turned around once more.

"You will pay for what you did, one way or another. This is not over, Emma, it's just the beginning."

And with that he made his way downstairs, feeling her stare after him. He would get his revenge eventually and he would savour it once it happened. He would make her suffer. For Paul. His death wouldn't stay unpunished.


End file.
